Friendship Rules

Did you know that there were rules to friendships? Apparently I didn't read that chapter in the book about life because I suck! Had I known I would've tried to follow along with the rules a little better, ie kiss your ass. But because I don't kiss anyones ass or allow people to walk all over me.....i failed in the friendship department.

Now onto the rules that I was so stupidly unaware of:

1. Answer any and all text messages, voicemails, phone calls, and emails within 1 hour. Even if you are at a concert, at your child's school play, etc.
   


2. If you don't talk to your friends for more than a week, consider it over!


3. If your friends are nothing but nice to you and your kids, its not because they are your friends and thats how friends act....its because they are doing you a favor.


4. If your friends are insulting you and attacking you, making you cry and feel like shit....they are just telling the truth. And you should continue to allow them to try to break you down.


5. Always be available to hang out with your friends and be at their beck-and-call. Juggling your personal life, love life, and life as a mother is not as important.


6. Be careful of the little things you say because a friend NEVER forgets and will always bring it up in the future to use against you....no matter how many times you've apologized.


7. You must always attend friends functions, birthday parties, or just a night out even if your son has the Swine flu.


8. Just because your "best" friend has slept with your kids father is no reason to hate her. After all, she is their Godmother.


9. Don't try to plead your case and work things out because unless your are groveling at their feet, its a loss cause.


10. Friendships are always one-sided and its usually not your side.

Now make sure that you follow all these rules strictly or your friends will break up with you. And you can be sure that they will now delete you from all social media sites no matter how long you've been friends.

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Chicken Pox in 2009??

When you watch this video notice how I purposely pronounce my "R"s. I find it hilarious that after 3 drinks I pronounce them.
Oh and I have NO idea what was on TV behind me. It was left on Nickelodeon or something.

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The Real Miss Blondie Please Stand Up

I wanted to share with you all a short video of Miss Blondie introducing herself to all of you....This is raw, and uncensored and completely REAL. No one in the blogosphere has experienced this yet.

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Ode to BlogHer '09

So my friend Greg over at Telling Dad, unfortunately wasn't at BlogHer '09 but of course heard all the buzz and couldn't control himself from singing the events. He is one of the only dads on the MomDot forum and we truly *heart* him over there.

Here is your warning: go pee right now, even if you don't think you have to. Grab a kleenex to wipe your tears from laughing so hard.

Oh, and the cleavage sugar packets line....totally about me! Kim managed to flick a packet of sugar into my cleavage. So thanks for the shout out Greg!!

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Like Pigs At A Trough During Feeding Time

Not sure if many of you know this or not but this past Saturday at Old Navy was there $1 flip-flop sale. What you probably already know from my previous posts is that I am a total flip-flopaholic...yup its a word, I just made it up.

So of course, I just haaaddd to go on Saturday morning to get me some deals. I got to the nearest Old Navy at about 9:30 am and had a feeling it would be busy, but what I encountered was something more like Black Friday. At this time there were already huge lines at the checkout and the flip-flops were sparse and also spread throughout the store. It was actually kind of exciting trying to find where they put all the women's flip flops...you see this is a very small Old Navy.

Anyways, I calmly looked for flip flops in my size and just about any color that would have it. I'm a size 7 and so is most of the female population. After about 10 minutes I noticed there was an influx in women...yes most of the flip flop buyers were women. The sales associates would bring out boxes filled with flip flops and just set them down anywhere just to replenish the stock on the floor.

I'm not even lying when I tell you the women attacked those boxes like pigs at a trough during feeding time! .

I even have a battle wound to prove it! Not kidding, a huge chunk of my skin off my knuckles is hanging on some rack at Old Navy. And since I was getting shoved out of the way by these Linebackers, I decided to play dirty.

Oh.

Yes.

I.

Did.

I sent little ole' Hunter in between these beasts and their legs to find my size. Is that stooping low? I think not! I was smart. And besides, that's one of the many perks of having kids.

After getting 10 pairs in 10 fabulous colors, I stood in line at the checkout for a good 30 minutes. There was a 5 pair limit per customer, so instead of only getting 5 or going back to the end of the line to stand there for another 30 minutes, you can bet your ass I handed my son a $5 bill and made him purchase my other 5 pairs right behind me. Smart again! I even influenced the woman standing behind me to do the same. Hey, kids are consumers too.

Did I really need 10 pairs of flip flops in every color of the rainbow? Yup.

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A Sure Way to Boost Self-Esteem

As most of you know from previous posts, I am going to Vegas for the first time in one week from tomorrow. Its so hot out there and I plan on spending some time at the pool which means....bathing suit. I will honestly admit my body is no where near bikini ready, so I've been working out and trying to get in shape. So I wanted to share with you all a recent conversation I had with my honest 7 year old son.

Me: Ick! I'm getting fat!

Hunter: Mama, you're not fat. ( I can hear a but coming...)

Me: But what?

Hunter: Nothing, you're not fat.

Me: Tell me the truth, what is it?

Hunter: You promise you won't get mad?

Me: I promise.

Hunter: Well, you're not fat, mama, you're just....lumpy.

Lumpy. I think I'd rather be called fat than lumpy. Please excuse me while I purge my bagel and cream cheese that I ate for breakfast this morning.

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Top 10 Reasons Why I Won't Win the Mother of the Year Award

10. I make him stop playing the Wii and get ready for school.

9. I hate the library. There I said it. I'll write a post later about this topic.

8. I refuse to play with him and his cars, wrestling men, pirates, etc. I've done this before and he ends up smashing everything into my hands and telling me I don't 'play' right.

7. Apparently I suck because I won't let him get a lizard. We have a cat. We have had hamsters, fish, and hermit crabs all of which croaked and all of which I had to take care of.

6. I missed basketball sign-ups.

5. I won't let him get a BB Gun. I'll end up the one getting shot in the ass...besides he's fricken 7.

4. I don't take him to birthdays parties of kids at school that I dont know. I've done it before, and I just stand there all awkward. Now, I make sure I know the parents that are going to be there.

3. I spend wayyy too much time blogging and trying desperately to ignore him as I type.

2. Because this is what I sound like in the morning: I Think I Missed My Calling


And the Number 1 reason why I Won't Win the Mother of the Year Award is.....

1. After hearing "Mama, Mama" over a million times, I have decided to change my name and not tell Hunter.

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You Are NOT A Hairdresser!

I need you all to remind me of this statement. I am NOT a hairdresser! I have this really bad habit of getting sick of Hunters hair when it gets too long and impulsively cutting it myself. Usually, i use kitchen scissors and do a half-way decent job.... I think. Although my friend Christina who is a hairdresser and probably reading this is shaking her head saying, "You suck!" Well, I think my days of butchering cutting his hair are over.

The other day, I had this 'great' idea that I was going to use my boyfriends buzzers and give my son a cool haircut. HAHA!! Yeah! That was my intention. Now, boyfriends buzzers do not have any settings on them or anything but me and my bright idea thought that I could just 'eyeball' it. I was going to give him a fade going up and then trim the top. Okay, thats not so easy when there is no settings on the clippers. My sons poor head ended up looking like a checker-board! I'm not even exaggerating. So, I admit that I completely butchered his hair.

We had to take him to Supercuts to fix it, and I had done such a job on his hair, the only thing she could do was give him a whiffle. Yup, she just had to buzz the rest of his head. He does look pretty cute, but he's so blonde that he almost looks bald. Unfortunately, I don't have any pictures either, I think at the time I was just kicking myself over what I had done that all I could think of was getting it fixed. So, this is it. I am no longer going to attempt to cut his hair. At all.

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Wordless Wednesday..Dancing King

I couldn't find a picture that fit my mood today, but i did find this video of Hunter dancing to Bruce Springsteen during the Superbowl. His end pose is my favorite!

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How did you find my blog??

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I Think I Missed My Calling

Military calling that is. Why you ask?

Thats simple. Every morning i sound exactly the same. Like a drill sergeant. Some moms can sound all peppy and happy trying to get their kids off to school. Not me. My blood pressure rises. I start yelling. Threatening to take the TV away. Its. Always. The. Same. We end up racing out the door, just barely making it to school on time.

"Let's go"

"You're gonna be late, c'mon!"

"Put your shoes on!"

"Why didn't you brush your teeth yet?"

"Hurry up!"

"I already told you to put your shoes on!"

After drop-off and i'm at home, it takes at least 30 minutes for my blood pressure to drop, I have to down at least 2 shots of Greygoose (to relax me), and a teaspoon of honey to sooth my sore throat from screaming. Then i park my buzzed ass on the couch and wait to do it all over again the next morning. From now on i should just start running it more like a bootcamp. Maybe then my drill sergeant ways will be justified.

If his shoes aren't on after the first time i ask him.....20 pushups.

When i tell him to the turn the TV off and he doesn't.....20 situps.

Yeah, i could see that happening and then all i'd hear would be his whinning and crying to be done. Why is it always a lose-lose situation? I'm gonna have to come up with some clever tactics or i'm gonna end up as that annoying, nagging, always-bitching mom who's voice goes in her kids ears and out the other.

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I Know How Babies Are Made

Here is a recent conversation i had with Hunter that he initiated:

Hunter: Mom, i know how babies are made.

Miss Blondie: Really? How?

Hunter: The little fish things swim around and they get to the ball and whoever cracks the ball swims in and gets to be the baby.

Miss Blondie: How do you know thats what happens?

Hunter: Its on Look Who's Talking (thats the opening scene of this PG movie). Is that right?

Miss Blondie: Well, um, yeah.

Hunter: So that means i made it in the ball?! I did it?! YESSSS!!!

Apparently, he didn't really "get" it until he said it out loud, that he was that little fish thing, that cracked the egg, and got to be the baby.

I am soo not ready to have the "birds and the bees" conversation with my seven year old yet. Why does he have to be so damn smart and pick up on shit like that in the movies?!! Damn it! I never even thought about that opening scene being a big deal. I guess i lose the Mother of the Year award....yet again!

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T-Mobile Greatness

Have you seen this?? Its straight from the brilliant minds of T-Mobile. After 8 months of rehearsal, they made this commercial during the morning commute in Liverpool. I absolutely LOVE how they did this. I would've loved to have been there to see it in person.





*I'm feeling better today....thank you Prozac!

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Wipe-Out

Last night Hunter had his first guitar lesson ever, and we went straight home afterwards. I live in a condo complex and pulled into my spot. But before i could get out, the people in the car parked next to me were getting out. The teenage girl in the passenger seat, very carefully got out and walked around to the back of the car. You see, everything is covered in ice. Its been extremely icy around here this week. Once she was clear out of the way, i opened my door to get out. Hunter got out of the back seat. I kept telling him to be careful...my car was literally surrounded by ice.

I was in the middle of repeating my "be careful" when all of a sudden.....

My feet start sliding. I tried to grab onto the car next to me to get my balance. No such luck! I fall smack down on my right side! So there i lay...sprawled across the ice for a prolonged amount of time. You would think i would've jumped up....nope, i stayed laying there like a frozen popsicle.

Hunter starts calling for me. I yell to him that i fell. And what do i hear.......???

A hysterical laughing hyena!! No lie. My son was laughing so hard and uncontrollably, to the point of tears in his eyes. Sure, i admit, i'm the first one to laugh when someone falls...its wicked friggin funny, but i was actually hurt and to hear my seven year old laughing at me was such a stinger. When i finally did get up, i noticed that the girl and her mother were standing on the other side of their car....laughing! I'm sure they were laughing because Hunter's laugh is so infectious but what if i had hit my head?!

Well, luckily i didn't. I do however, have a HUGE bruise on my hip and my knee and a small one on my elbow. Leave it to me! At least i didn't break anything!

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Comic Relief

Its been a very busy past couple days here for me as it probably has for most of you as well. We had Thanksgiving at my mothers beach house on Cape Cod, which isn't really a beachy house...its actually a five bedroom colonial but whatever. It was nice. We spent the night and on Friday i had tickets to see my favorite comedian! I have been looking forward to this night since the summer when i found out he was coming to Boston.

Jeff Dunham!

If you've never heard of him i suggest you check him out on youtube! He. Is. Hilarious. He's actually a ventriliquist with puppets like Achmed the Dead Terrorist, Walter (the grumpy old man), and my favorite Peanut! The show was two and a half hours of non-stop, cheek hurting, dry throat, tears pouring laughter. I'm NOT exaggerating!! He did all new stuff, which is good because i've watched him on youtube and comedy central a hundred times. It was a full house in the stadium which kind of surprised me because i only heard of him this year, but apparently he's been around for years. I was also surprised by the amount of kids that were there. It was in no way child appropriate....at all.

He's such a good ventriliquist, you honestly forget that he's doing the talking for the dolls. They really do come to life. Its incredible. Just so you can see for yourself, the video posted below is him and Peanut (my favorite). Please watch it....i promise you wont regret it!!

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Dear Tom,

Dear Tom,

I know its taken me a couple days to write this letter, but i needed time to come to terms with what happened on sunday. I. Am. Devastated. The images of you being helped off the field, limping, will forever haunt me. I was hoping your injury wouldn't be that severe. But then when they said you wouldn't be returning to the game i knew it was bad. I knew it was your ACL. So as you may not know because we haven't officially met....yet.... i work in surgery. I fix ACL's all the time. So with that being said, i can totally nurse you back to health. More so than any supermodel. I'm sure she's good at a lot of things but for something like this , i think she needs to step aside and allow a professional to take over duties.


So, i am here to tell you, that i am volunteering my services to you. This is not an offer that comes frequently and i strongly urge you to accept. I would allow you to rest comfortably on my couch or yours (whichever you choose), i'll keep your pillows fluffed, and give you plenty of liquids. I'm also not a bad cook, so our candlelight dinners would be tasty. And on sundays, since i am a HUGE Patriots fan, we can watch our team and cheer them on....together. Being the Brady fan that i am, i am trying to be confident in our back-up quarterback but its so hard. I know that the Patriots are all about winning as a team but you are our star quarterback! Maybe we can be a support system for each other.

Please contact me soon so that i can help you on your road to recovery. I'll be patiently waiting by the phone to hear from you or your agent.

Yours Truly,

The Future Miss Blondie Brady

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The Mom Song

This is incredibly clever!! I got a kick out of watching this woman and i hope so do you. I've probably said about half of these things already! Enjoy!

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He's gonna be a rockstar!!

So let me set you up for this video i am posting. I was in the middle of spring cleaning my house(so don't mind the mess), and i watched Hunter go into the bathroom. After a few minutes of him in there doing his business this is what i heard:

And you can bet i'll be saving this for his future girlfriends!!

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